Sod The Tories (And Have a Nice Week...Online) Tory Scum Special.
Over the years I've hosted a live topical comedy show at The Stand Comedy Club. Initially called Sod The Tories (And Have a Nice Week) and then changed to Faking The News. Considering current situations I've decided to revert back to its original title and bring you what you would normally see live to this website. This comedy is never for the faint of heart, but in the words of Bristol Punk Idles, "Not a single thing has ever been mended. By you standing there and saying you're offended" If you did vote Tory (especially if you live in the North) regardless of how or who you vote for, please be assured I will not judge you on this, as I already firmly believe you're an absolute c**t.
This week in parliament Angela Rayner caused outrage when she appeared to call some no mark back bench Tory MP Chris Clarkson "Scum." In the interests of balance we at STT decided to spend a day in the life of a Tory MP and followed Lord Honkit of Fruckemhall as he went about his daily duties...Here's what we found...
A Day in the Life of a Tory MP.
1. Wake up, masturbate into the flag of a foreign nation.
2. Switch on news, punch the air, more working class people are going to die.
3. Look at bank account, masturbate again into one of the staff, have some class A drugs.
4. Head to work. Walk past homeless person waving a wad of cash and laughing hysterically.
5. Arrive at work. Sit in the chamber and make baboon noises as the opposition pleads for some human empathy.
6. Lunch . Masturbate into a copy of the declaration of human rights. Time for some more class A's.
7. Back into the chamber vote against giving food to starving children. Couple more baboon noises when you win vote.
8. Visit prostitute/rent boy. Haggle for lower rate. Shit on sex worker. Leave no tip.
9 . Kill a fox. (Preferably in front of its children)
10. Time for bed. Still time to seal the deal on your new PPE company. Transfer 100 million of public money into bank account. Masturbate while praying to a shrine of Churchill/Thatcher.
Ah well...Looks like Angela might have been on the money there...
NORTHERN TORY SCUM AND OTHERS.
And now a quick word from our sponsors, craft booze purveyors and sales folks of the number one selling stout 'My Wife's Bitter."
Here man! Aw ye knackers up here that voted Tory! Ha. Ha. Fuckin Ha. I hope your bairns get repossessed.
MORE SCUM. (Especially Boris)
So, we've had the beloved Boris lead us through the worst crisis in a generation with the type of compassion you'd expect from a man who probably cut the faces of his sisters dolls so he could put them over the faces of his action men. Boris was elected as one man with one idea. And he’s pretty much stuck to that. What sort of far right dystopia are we living in where the Tories have now been between twice by themselves? Let's face it, as soon as we as a species started electing the likes of Trump and Johnson as our leaders it should have been a massive indicator that we should no longer be allowed genitals. Something in nature should have made everything heal up or drop off and power automatically handed over to the dolphins. The fact this bloke has sired an unknown amount of descendants should be enough to put even your most ardent pro-lifer on a wobbly footing. Of course we should have all known that when Boris became the father of the nation, that would obviously mean we would only see him once a month at weekends. The idea of a tub of human lard and entitlement like Boris breeding is truly horrifying. In fact, I've heard it's something parents are describing to their children in an attempt to spice up Halloween under lockdown. Boris reproducing isn't actually as horrible as you'd think. What happens is the female swims to the bottom of a river bed and makes a nest out of pebbles. Then he swims above it, has an affair with one of his staff, and the stray sperm fertilises the egg.
SAVE THE ARTS AND US FROM TORY SCUM.
As has been demonstrated in recent months, and especially this week, there's nothing the Tories like doing more than lining their own pockets. Trying to secure funds for starving children, newly unemployed workers or PPE, has proven to show they are tighter than one of Madonna's face lifts. Had Andy Burnham only set up his own offshore account for a company that doesn't exist I've no doubt Manchester would now be rolling in it. And let's say a word of thanks to Andy. He's got in the faces of these scum more in a fortnight than stammering Starmer has in months. Of course, it's now Labour Party policy that we are no longer allowed to refer to the likes of Starmer as Blairites...Ah well, Thatcherite it is then. In regards to the Arts, the Tories have described their total lack of support as "The great reset" Being on the receiving end of it, I have to say it feels more like the great "control, alt, delete."
I've changed my profile picture to red. This is not to remind you to save the arts. This is to remind you that we should be painting the walls with the blood of this current government. Do that and I'm pretty sure the arts and everything else will start to get better really quick. There seems to be no end to this lot pigging at the trough as the world around them burns. Did you know that loads of these politicians have a second job – it’s called being an MP.
Did you also know it’s a fact that last month in Westminster most facilities tested positive for cocaine? Obviously when they say we’re all in it together they mean the toilet cubicles. The one thing that's helped me get through this lockdown is I've been able to masturbate a lot more...Especially when Boris had the virus.
I had it put to me recently that comedians or artists in general shouldn’t get involved in politics. Yes, this is on a planet where we elected a clown into Downing St and a game show host as President.
And on that thought I'll see you again soon....